[ temenos has his holy light back! it's the best! he is in a markedly better mood when he spots axel this morning in the dorms, rising late out of bed on monday morning and dressed in his priest clothes. this means he is also completely unaware of the fact that it's memshare week.
which means that one of his very recent, very painful memories makes itself visible in these comic panels in live, breathing color.
and, in the morning, you awaken to a hubbub in the center of stormhail.
you've seen this hubbub before - the shocked crowds, the murmuring. someone died, last night - someone was murdered, and you imagine it had everything to do with the very same sacred guard and the truth you've been seeking all this time.
"That's one of them from the sacred guard, isn't it? How'd this happen?" says a concerned townsperson. another gasps, says a prayer. you ask them to move with a combination of politeness and your general aura as the inquisitor and stride through the crowd, and as it parts -
for the third time, a part of your world shatters into pieces.
slumped up against the brick wall outside of the headquarters of the sacred guard is crick wellsley. his body is mangled; blood seeps through his white cloak and down into the white snow, down his white, lifeless face. by some miracle of aelfric, at least his eyes are closed.
your stomach does an unpleasant, horrible twist, and his name tears out of your mouth somewhere between horror and despair - "Crick!" - as you shove past the last of the crowd to drop to his side, to check his pulse. it's the same thing you felt when the pontiff died - that the healing magic you have mastered is useless, that this supposed gift you were given is pointless in the moments it matters the most. you press your fingers to crick's wrist. nothing. once again you can do nothing.
roi's disappearance, first. the pontiff, dead on the floor, mauled by a beast in his own cathedral. and now...
you don't really realize it, but like any number of mourners you've comforted before, you find yourself asking no one - why. the whammy of grief and frustration - why crick, of all people, even if you know the answer - burbles uselessly in the back of your brilliant brain, and it's as you're still holding his wrist that you notice the scrap of paper clutched tightly in crick's free hand. slowly, you uncurl his fingers, icy cold and stiff, and pull free what looks like a torn page from of a book, with a single line of writing.
"Surrender yourself not unto silent dusk. For the light shall fade."
it's the same words. the same ones scribbled onto a scrap of bloody paper in the pontiff's final book of scripture. it's a clue. it's a - it's information.
it's as you're holding this in your hand, eyes wide and head already starting to spin, that you hear the sacred guard bark at the crowd to leave. one in particular comes to the corpse, to you, and speaks with loathing. - "what are you doing here?"
you snap at one of many useless crows that he's your friend, that you want to help with the investigation, but you're called dead weight, and the sacred guard scoffs and sends you away. you go, without protest, clutching the paper crick died for in your hand, safely stolen away from the prying eyes of the crows.
for a moment, you look past them. you think of crick, his beseeching eyes and naive, pure dream. his want to fix corruption, the way roi had, the way you want to. the last bastion of goodness left standing in the church of the sacred flame, the little lamb who you'd grown quite fond of, now struck down - a lamb in the den of the wolves - and you stare at the paper in your hand.
"Your clue is safe, and it was not laid out in vain. I will follow the path you've laid out before me."
and you do what you've done a hundred times in your life. you do what you did when you were standing at the body of the man who raised you, the only authority figure you've ever known and trusted. you do it now, at the body of your little lamb, who despite all the questioning you led him to, believed in you.
you close your eyes, and you tap into yourself, and you put all of your grief and heartbreak down at the bottom of your soul. it doesn't matter, how you feel. what matters is what always does.
softly, you say: "The truth...lies in the flame."
and you get down to business to find it. ]
[ when it ends, temenos is stunned. eyes wide, mouth open, completely caught off guard. ]
Axel himself? Definitely actually surprisingly an early one. He attributes that to his time in the Organization.
There was a need to make that an absolute for various reasons, including reconnaissance, and the like. Though he certainly never advertised it, even remarking he'd stick around laying in bed all day long if he had the choice. By now, the habit's ingrained in him, so those wishes are moot even from bygone days.
He comes back with some snacks...crepes, if you will. Who says it's ever a terrible time to eat anything anywhere? They are also wrapped in napkins, one for Temenos, and he would've asked him if he wanted one. But the memories are upon him in an instant, and just like that, there is nothing to substitute the viewing for such things not at all. ]
...Tem.
This Crick—I wasn't supposed to see all of that, was I?
[ Axel fumbles just a tad with his words, partially trying to bring the other out of his reasonable surprise.
Though, the thing about it is that even though Temenos' own memories have been shown due to some pesky papers or whatever kind of whim this city has, it doesn't mean it's the end.
Just in a little bit, his own will be on view for the other to see in turn.
But, at this very moment, right now? Seeing all of that makes him think of just how not very long ago Temenos had been consoling him over losing a dear friend. ]
[ boy if there was ever a reason to turn right around and get back in bed!!!!!
ah. well.
the thing is, this was so recent that it's left a hole in temenos's heart that feels like it still hasn't healed - that feels like it never will. no matter what he does, or how this little story ended, the loss of crick wellsley is still so violently fresh in temenos's mind that he still has nightmares about discovering his body, barely weeks after he did the exact same with the pontiff. how rare it is, to get close to someone. how responsible he was, for this. he led the lamb to the lion's den, and it's something temenos will never, ever forgive himself for.
under the placid surface of his normal personality, he is a lake - the well of his sorrow runs deep.
temenos takes a deep breath. in, out. hold it.
I... I wish to believe in the gods, Temenos. And I wish to believe in you. ]
.... I apologize.
[ is the first thing out of his mouth. it's another monday, and another vulnerability of his is being chewed up and spat on the floor. ] ...What an utterly unpleasant effect.
[ Not so surprising that Temenos is unable to quickly bounce back from this. He'd never anticipate such a thing, considering the fact that it clearly isn't the first time he's faced such a substantial loss.
...A loss that one can never expect a return from. Axel puts aside the treats, daring to even step closer still. Temenos has faced such things by himself again and again, and now his own wound must have certainly reopened.
On top of that, there follows an apology. He doesn't even react to that with anger, facial expression softening. ]
I'm not going to blame you. I can't just say 'it's alright' about seeing that either, but...
[ He reaches out to first rest his hands on the other male's shoulders. ]
I agree that never should've been shown to me in the first place; that's the sort of private stuff which I'd rather if you told me, if you felt up to it. Still, I'm here if you wanna talk it out, or something else.
[ Like, a hug. He can definitely give those. Or both. ]
[ he - almost laughs a little? it's not quite hysterical, or anything, but it's absolutely startled out of him. he's not laughing at axel, but this reaction and the idea of talking about it feels almost wildly impossible.
he's never been the type of person to tell anyone... anything, not really. he's the listener, the cleric with the kind heart, the open vessel, and sometimes, temenos loses sight of who he is because of it. the cleric and the man feel like two separate identities. the cleric, the inquisitor - he is the one has to find the truth, the one who heals and helps and guides. temenos, the man, lost the only three people in the entire church who he trusted in utter succession. gut punch, after gut punch, after gut punch. the wound is beyond reopened. it's gaping, and he's gotten so good at covering it that no one even seems to know its there. he's been bleeding for weeks.
the hands on his shoulders can stay. temenos shakes his head a little, from where his head is turned down, and he glances up at axel finally. ]
Or something else?
[ whatever that might be. he doesn't even know how to ask for it.
... but he probably needs a hug, actually, yeah. ]
[ Axel isn't entirely surprised by the reaction. He may not be the one who has gone around listening to people confess so many things, but at the same time, he knows one simple fact:
Going around and speaking about these sort of wounds, this sort of hurt, sometimes feels like an exercise in futility. He has also the sense that Temenos doesn't usually do much of that even on a small scale. There are the signs, even if Axel considers himself hardly worth all that good at reading people much these days. But, there is also the fact he has come to know Temenos far better now.
A man who would face such struggles and not wish to let others know of his own, because that is what he does. It is not really anything specific Temenos has said. But he easily recalls when he told him he'd listen, and the other had lightly smiled instead of taking up on it. And then, conversely, the rarity he'd revealed when he was suffering...
So, even at the sight and witness to that sound, Axel doesn't feel offended. It sounds just...natural, even if it isn't a good thing. He has faith he will get there. ]
...Or something else. Like this.
[ Axel says, gently moving his hands from just where they rest atop those shoulders, down them, only to then carefully slip around, to properly encircle the other man's waist, to pull him gently against him even as they stand.
His grip is firm, but soft. Comforting, and not hesitant at all. ]
well, he should've been expecting that. after all, it's not the first time axel's proven to be easily touchy in ways that temenos simply is not - it's that fantasy catholic repression, baby - and the normal person response to something like this is a hug. it's what partitio would do. what ochette would do. what agnea would do.
... what roi would do, really. he's very, very still, at first, like a startled cat, but, after a moment, exhales out in a whoosh, and drops his head against his chest, closing his eyes. it feels like standing on the precipice of a cliff, looking face down into his own despair - something he's ignored since the day roi vanished out of his life - and having to really stare at it. his hands lift, slowly, and one curls in the back of axel's clothes, then the other, slowly returning the hug.
he's. touched, and wildly out of his depth, and suddenly being confronted once again that this place likes to peel off his carefully constructed mask and throw it on the floor. vulnerable, again.
safe, again, really.
there's another very soft laugh. ]
This is becoming quite the embarrassing habit.
[ this whole. oops look at me i'm vulnerable!!! thing!!!! this is not normal!!!!! this kills the temenos!!!! it's. a little shameful, and a little embarrassing, but he doesn't pull away from it either, in fact kind of huddling a little closer to hug him correctly. touch starved. ]
Feeling Temenos return the hug — albeit slowly — is definitely monumental. Even what happened right before, and all in all signs the man continues to concede to the comforting affection shown right to him. To accept such warmth after witnessing and having someone watching those private moments.
He can slip one hand up to lightly rub at his back too. ]
An embarrassing habit, eh? I wouldn't consider anything like that. But, I guess I might be a bit biased.
[ There's a further pause on his end, thinking things through carefully. Maybe talking about the event per say isn't exactly going to help. But, there's another something on his mind. ]
...I always thought that if people knew about me—about my name, that no matter what happens, I'd be able to live on in people's memories forever.
Could you tell me a bit about Crick? You're keeping his memory alive forever. But, I wonder if I can do the same for you too.
[ no, it is definitely embarrassing. mostly because he is just not this kind of person. he thinks about starting to pull back, when the hand starts to rub his back, but after a moment, settles into place, grip very loose. moreso, it's a relief to be able to bury his face here for a moment, to keep his extremely carefully controlled composure, or at least try to hold onto it.
he doesn't love the way axel's talking - there's a brief tightening of his fingers, and the implications of his initial statement send him spiraling off into thoughts. if one more person tells him they're dead at home today he's going to lose his mind.
but, luckily, the conversation comes back to that sharp, painful topic. you're keeping his memory alive forever. the same exact words have come out of hikari's mouth - for a moment, he just closes his eyes, digs for the emotions, pulls up the weeds of his own blockage around this topic and tries to force himself to talk.
... ]
Crick was... [ ... ] Naive. [ way to start with a fucking compliment, temenos. ] A member of the Sacred Guard, who came to my aid in several occasions. Through and through, a true knight, but...a lost little lamb in need of guidance, all the same. He was only freshly anointed to the Guard itself, and I often picked on him for being a bit of a coward. In many ways, Vane reminds me quite a bit of him, though... Crick was smarter than he is.
[ he swallows, putting a concentrated effort to keeping his voice very neutral - he has to make this joke because this is so, so hard to talk about. but for axel, he'll try. ]
Someone far too kindhearted for the world that I allowed him to see. Brave, foolhardy, honest, and kindhearted. [ there's a quiet, soft laugh. ] You would like him, I think.
[ it's hard not to like crick. temenos liked him immediately, which is rare. ]
[ Well, Axel's more than glad to be able to keep Temenos in place for a bit longer (and even longer than that still); if he needed, he would have even mentioned that it offered him the chance to remain composed. But that argument might have been ridiculously flimsy, though let it be known Axel would have tried.
Besides, hugs are far more effective when one spends quite a time in them.
On the other hand, he has no idea of what other kind of worry he may be giving Temenos, though he judges there's something from the way those fingers tighten in the cloth. Enough to make him give pause.
Either way, Axel does not see fit to force him to speak on the matter. Merely leave the option out there. Keeping these things inside does no one any good, Axel knows this, even if it is human nature, and to Temenos, it may be as natural as breathing air.
That's way...it is a bit startling hearing him talk, but Axel does listen, managing a slight smile despite it all when he calls this Crick naive. There is an attempt at light-heartedness, with the comparison he makes, though he can try that it is an effort nonetheless.
But, Axel thinks that soft, gentle laugh of his? It comes easily than anything else, perhaps. He continues the light rub, soft, unwavering. ]
Hearing all of this, I can't help but I'd only agree. To make it clear that I'd probably get along with the guy. Not just because he 'sounds' like a good person, but he definitely must be.
After all, you can be a bit sparing with praise, which means that what you give holds pretty much a heavy weight, and I know you mean every single word. [ At least, to him. ] Either way, I appreciate you telling me all about him.
Now, I promise I've got those qualities all memorized in my head. And I'm a guy who always keeps his promises.
[ the little comment about praise successfully earns another little laugh, and the corner of his mouth pulls into a smile, unbidden. thinking about axel, playfully asking for praise is a warm, familiar thought, though... thinking about crick makes it a little more bittersweet.
still. his read on temenos is right, so. ] ...You'd be correct. [ he does mean it. ] Perhaps I ought to have said more to him, while I could.
[ because he could patronizingly, playfully praise him. very good, crick! or he could tease him, watch him fluster. he could hide his true praise in bullying - you're really learning, but he meant it. and it was only after his death that temenos could finally say what he thought, that crick really was a true knight. a brave, clever, purehearted young man who deserved so much more than what he got.
it was part of what made adlet's little speech on saturday so infuriating, even for him. doesn't it hurt more, when you lose someone you love? yes. yes it does. cubaryi used the exact same thing against him. so did kaldena. so did -
... irrelevant, now. he listens to axel as he continues speaking, and after a moment, turns his face up to actually look at him. ]
Hmm. [ a little quieter, he picks back up on his usual, teasing tone, but it's warmer and softer, lacking any actual zing. ] I'll hold you to that, you know. I have very high expectations.
[ and he trusts axel well enough that he'll allow himself to fall into this, to let i promise feel like a promise, and not like a death sentence. ]
[ There's nothing wrong with wishing there could have been more spoken between somebody close. Not at all.
It'd make things not much better, he imagines. But it can help with closure. Once upon a time, Axel figured he might not have the chance to himself, with some of his friends. He got lucky, unlike Crick.
Still, life is not all so dim, even with the parting of someone so close. Even if Temenos will carry all those things with him.
Loss doesn't need to be a cold and twisted thing (or something to use against others), like Adlet had implied. ]
It might sound a little cheesy but I heard writing a letter of what you wanted to say to someone that passed could help like...wrap some things up.
[ Though, he snorts at the gentle teasing. Fond even with light mirth. ]
And you know me, I like a challenge, so I'll exceed those very high expectations of yours.
[ Even with the jests passing, Axel is serious about that, despite still no guarantee of the future. ]
[ temenos says, with a very soft noise of assent. the idea of writing a letter to crick sounds like. a lot, actually, it sounds like a lot for him to handle, emotionally and physically, and he's not sure if he really could. it's so much easier just to bury it deep, just to keep moving on. the loss keeps coming. each week here makes it worse.
...
there's a brief moment where his grip tightens. it's nonverbal. don't leave. ]
Aha. I look forward to seeing it, Axel.
[ the name feels a little strange on his tongue, knowing the other, knowing that this is a phrase that's very genuine. he does look forward to it, and for once, he'll agree, he'll match sincerity with sincerity, even if his is layered underneath his words like it has to be hidden.
composure settled enough, he chances a glance upwards, cheek tilting just slightly up against his chest to look at him from under his lashes. ] Don't disappoint me.
[ Axel says in a teasing tone because even if he's always been like that, it's true.
...Ah. With the way Temenos' grip happens to tighten, it is like it incurs something within him, and before, those other times...when he held the man. When he slept beside him, he had thoughts, and notions that he has had certain leanings towards him.
Things that have developed into far more certainty when this time comes to pass. Even if sometimes Axel can miss things, he for certain catches the nonverbal communication.
His heart's pounding too, when the other man looks up at him like that. After he said those words, wrought with earnest anticipation.
Axel raises one hand from where it had initially lain against the cleric's back, drawing fingers to rest against Temenos' cheek, a brief, but gentle touch. ]
...I won't disappoint you.
[ Axel says softly. Even if he feels trepidation at saying that. Even moreso than saying he would exceed expectations, or that he promises something. Because even if someone can achieve those things, even if he can do either one with flying colors, there's a part of him afraid he'll do exactly that. That he'll fail at the crucial moment.
But, Axel says it anyway, faces it, even if, at the heart of everything, of it all, he's uncertain. There is no other choice - and because he wants to, right by Temenos' side, closer than ever, with a bond forged closer than he ever imagined. To stay with him, no matter what. ]
[ every time i get a tag like this close to friday i am so afraid.
well, he doesn't stop him. by now, axel has more or less earned his way into temenos's very well guarded space, and he's not immune to whatever kind of Moment is currently happening. his cheek warms just a little under the hand, only enough that it can be felt rather than seen, and after a moment, he closes his eyes again and tilts his head just subtly into it.
he's so tired of losing people. his mask isn't as well affixed as he thinks it is, not with this week of memory shares, and temenos has lost so much. first roi, which left a gaping crater behind in his and the pontiff's lives. then the pontiff, stolen away from him by the moonshade order, and then crick. loss after loss after loss, pain after pain, after pain - it's enough even to throw the shepherd off track.
but throne had said once - when you're lost, you are human. you have to rely on others, to remember that you can find your way - and here, he's tentatively allowing that to happen. axel hasn't disappointed him, is the thing. every interaction they've had that's been a little close, a little sweet, has been earned, and from someone like temenos, that's saying a lot.
he just stays like that for a moment, when the hand pulls back. eyes closed, perhaps in his thoughts, as ever. ]
Good.
[ comes his response. ] I often ask much of you, and this is no exception.
Well, right now, Axel sure isn't wearing any gloves; sometimes it's the more subtle things, like the gentle heat that emanates from that very familiar and dear face. Seeing the way the other male even leans into the touch has Axel's eyes soften, committing the moment to memory.
Relief continues flooding in, mixed amongst undeniable feelings of indulgence. That he's able to still be here for him. That even with all things aiming to be nothing but full of hurt borne from the appearance of a painful memory, he can hold Temenos. He can be someone who, by just being here, ensures that he doesn't face any such things alone. ]
Anytime. Being there for you is something I'll always be happy to do, time and time again.
[ And not just because they live in the same dorm, though...that they both know already. ]
[ this is about his limit of sincerity, because temenos's personality is 95% being a cynic, and he opens his mouth to say something.
You can't prove that. or Every Thursday, the chance grows larger that you could die. That I could. or even That doesn't even begin to cover when this is all said and done.
there's still a lot of week ahead, but the idea never quite leaves his mind. it tinges the sweetness of whatever moment is happening here, ice cold reality somewhere on the back of his neck, and temenos huffs a little laugh, letting go of him and reaching up to pat him very lightly on the cheek, twice, by now a gesture axel can probably recognize as temenos being 'comforting', in his mischievous, accepting own way. he's squirming out of the moment, because ultimately, he is a little afraid of the temerity of his own emotions, particularly right now, particularly in the face of being vulnerable.
get it together. ]
You'll start to sound like those films you're so fond of, now. Be careful. You may just burst into song. [ pick on him for being a disney princess that's much easier. kingdom hearts jokes ] Now. You brought snacks, didn't you? We ought to eat. Preferably without any more instances of memories.
[ If Temenos had, Axel might have lightly chuckled, knowing that it is within his nature, and...well. Even if they are this far in, his optimism still stubbornly sticks around. He still believes.
Even if that belief might one day shatter into pieces and leave nothing in its wake, Axel will choose to hope. And not just wait.
To brave the murky future together. Though, when the other man raises a hand, lightly patting his own cheek, the gesture is perhaps just another good feature of Temenos being himself. And then he goes ahead, saying something like that...he shakes his head. ]
Hey, if I burst into song, none of you guys would never let me hear the end of it. [ A performative pout, but at the reminder... ] I did. I got these crepes, and they're best when shared with other people.
[ He probably put them in his pockets at some point in this conversation for a bit, but thankfully as previously mentioned they're in napkins so there's no pocket lint in them. He will hold out one to Temenos. ]
[ thank you for letting him run away like an absolute fucking coward, because that's what he is. a giant weenie. a huge coward. he chuckles a little as he steps back, though not far, and holds out his hand. ] Mm. Better crepes than memories.
[ gods. he will take the crepe when it's offered - as usual, he seems pleased that it's something sweet. there's also a knowing, teasing look when it's wrapped in a napkin. by god we are learning something. ]
Let's hope this is the last of them. Shall we?
[ which, actually, i have decided it's not the last of the memories
by which i mean axel gets to see one more of temenos's memories play behind his head- it's like he practically summons it - and this one is something much more simple. this time, it's something awfully embarrassing.
you sit at a table with throne and hikari, and throne challenges you to a game... (7:54-9:39, unvoiced!! )
this is immediate penance for bullying axel for being a disney princess actually. he is pinching the bridge of his nose when its over. ]
[ Sometimes, running away is the best option. Axel doesn't exactly catch onto it, though. But perhaps Temenos' comment is more or less bound to incite something like an onset of memories...kind of like invoking Murphy's Law unintentionally.
Whatever the case, enjoy it while it lasts, Temenos. Should he be alive for the next trial, Axel will be back to his no-napkin ways.
...Yet, the memory being played catches his attention easily.
Enough that Axel's watching it all go down. He even lets out a snort. ]
Well, well, what do we have here?
[ He reaches over to playfully nudge the other man with an arm, because seeing him react like that is heartwarming...cute. ]
Someone's actually a bit of a softie. But then again, I'd always known.
[ oh this is embarrassing. gods. okay. look. sometimes, those disney princess types are like your favorite kind of people. sometimes, you just really love your friends, and sometimes you are a terrible and stinky kind of person, and throne understands that, and hikari is an angel?
anyway. he takes the nudge and gives him a little bit of a look, but it's more mulish than it is anything actually serious. embarrassing. ]
I have no idea what you mean. [ okay ] I was merely sweating. [ OKAY ]
[ this is a little flustering, but, he deserves to be bullied. and after a moment, he smiles a bit more ruefully, a little more fond, and knocks his knuckles lightly against axel's chest. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w4 monday
which means that one of his very recent, very painful memories makes itself visible in these comic panels in live, breathing color.
[ when it ends, temenos is stunned. eyes wide, mouth open, completely caught off guard. ]
no subject
Axel himself? Definitely actually surprisingly an early one. He attributes that to his time in the Organization.
There was a need to make that an absolute for various reasons, including reconnaissance, and the like. Though he certainly never advertised it, even remarking he'd stick around laying in bed all day long if he had the choice. By now, the habit's ingrained in him, so those wishes are moot even from bygone days.
He comes back with some snacks...crepes, if you will. Who says it's ever a terrible time to eat anything anywhere? They are also wrapped in napkins, one for Temenos, and he would've asked him if he wanted one. But the memories are upon him in an instant, and just like that, there is nothing to substitute the viewing for such things not at all. ]
...Tem.
This Crick—I wasn't supposed to see all of that, was I?
[ Axel fumbles just a tad with his words, partially trying to bring the other out of his reasonable surprise.
Though, the thing about it is that even though Temenos' own memories have been shown due to some pesky papers or whatever kind of whim this city has, it doesn't mean it's the end.
Just in a little bit, his own will be on view for the other to see in turn.
But, at this very moment, right now? Seeing all of that makes him think of just how not very long ago Temenos had been consoling him over losing a dear friend. ]
no subject
ah. well.
the thing is, this was so recent that it's left a hole in temenos's heart that feels like it still hasn't healed - that feels like it never will. no matter what he does, or how this little story ended, the loss of crick wellsley is still so violently fresh in temenos's mind that he still has nightmares about discovering his body, barely weeks after he did the exact same with the pontiff. how rare it is, to get close to someone. how responsible he was, for this. he led the lamb to the lion's den, and it's something temenos will never, ever forgive himself for.
under the placid surface of his normal personality, he is a lake - the well of his sorrow runs deep.
temenos takes a deep breath. in, out. hold it.
I... I wish to believe in the gods, Temenos. And I wish to believe in you. ]
.... I apologize.
[ is the first thing out of his mouth. it's another monday, and another vulnerability of his is being chewed up and spat on the floor. ] ...What an utterly unpleasant effect.
no subject
...A loss that one can never expect a return from. Axel puts aside the treats, daring to even step closer still. Temenos has faced such things by himself again and again, and now his own wound must have certainly reopened.
On top of that, there follows an apology. He doesn't even react to that with anger, facial expression softening. ]
I'm not going to blame you. I can't just say 'it's alright' about seeing that either, but...
[ He reaches out to first rest his hands on the other male's shoulders. ]
I agree that never should've been shown to me in the first place; that's the sort of private stuff which I'd rather if you told me, if you felt up to it. Still, I'm here if you wanna talk it out, or something else.
[ Like, a hug. He can definitely give those. Or both. ]
no subject
he's never been the type of person to tell anyone... anything, not really. he's the listener, the cleric with the kind heart, the open vessel, and sometimes, temenos loses sight of who he is because of it. the cleric and the man feel like two separate identities. the cleric, the inquisitor - he is the one has to find the truth, the one who heals and helps and guides. temenos, the man, lost the only three people in the entire church who he trusted in utter succession. gut punch, after gut punch, after gut punch. the wound is beyond reopened. it's gaping, and he's gotten so good at covering it that no one even seems to know its there. he's been bleeding for weeks.
the hands on his shoulders can stay. temenos shakes his head a little, from where his head is turned down, and he glances up at axel finally. ]
Or something else?
[ whatever that might be. he doesn't even know how to ask for it.
... but he probably needs a hug, actually, yeah. ]
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Going around and speaking about these sort of wounds, this sort of hurt, sometimes feels like an exercise in futility. He has also the sense that Temenos doesn't usually do much of that even on a small scale. There are the signs, even if Axel considers himself hardly worth all that good at reading people much these days. But, there is also the fact he has come to know Temenos far better now.
A man who would face such struggles and not wish to let others know of his own, because that is what he does. It is not really anything specific Temenos has said. But he easily recalls when he told him he'd listen, and the other had lightly smiled instead of taking up on it. And then, conversely, the rarity he'd revealed when he was suffering...
So, even at the sight and witness to that sound, Axel doesn't feel offended. It sounds just...natural, even if it isn't a good thing. He has faith he will get there. ]
...Or something else. Like this.
[ Axel says, gently moving his hands from just where they rest atop those shoulders, down them, only to then carefully slip around, to properly encircle the other man's waist, to pull him gently against him even as they stand.
His grip is firm, but soft. Comforting, and not hesitant at all. ]
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well, he should've been expecting that. after all, it's not the first time axel's proven to be easily touchy in ways that temenos simply is not - it's that fantasy catholic repression, baby - and the normal person response to something like this is a hug. it's what partitio would do. what ochette would do. what agnea would do.
... what roi would do, really. he's very, very still, at first, like a startled cat, but, after a moment, exhales out in a whoosh, and drops his head against his chest, closing his eyes. it feels like standing on the precipice of a cliff, looking face down into his own despair - something he's ignored since the day roi vanished out of his life - and having to really stare at it. his hands lift, slowly, and one curls in the back of axel's clothes, then the other, slowly returning the hug.
he's. touched, and wildly out of his depth, and suddenly being confronted once again that this place likes to peel off his carefully constructed mask and throw it on the floor. vulnerable, again.
safe, again, really.
there's another very soft laugh. ]
This is becoming quite the embarrassing habit.
[ this whole. oops look at me i'm vulnerable!!! thing!!!! this is not normal!!!!! this kills the temenos!!!! it's. a little shameful, and a little embarrassing, but he doesn't pull away from it either, in fact kind of huddling a little closer to hug him correctly. touch starved. ]
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Feeling Temenos return the hug — albeit slowly — is definitely monumental. Even what happened right before, and all in all signs the man continues to concede to the comforting affection shown right to him. To accept such warmth after witnessing and having someone watching those private moments.
He can slip one hand up to lightly rub at his back too. ]
An embarrassing habit, eh? I wouldn't consider anything like that. But, I guess I might be a bit biased.
[ There's a further pause on his end, thinking things through carefully. Maybe talking about the event per say isn't exactly going to help. But, there's another something on his mind. ]
...I always thought that if people knew about me—about my name, that no matter what happens, I'd be able to live on in people's memories forever.
Could you tell me a bit about Crick? You're keeping his memory alive forever. But, I wonder if I can do the same for you too.
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he doesn't love the way axel's talking - there's a brief tightening of his fingers, and the implications of his initial statement send him spiraling off into thoughts. if one more person tells him they're dead at home today he's going to lose his mind.
but, luckily, the conversation comes back to that sharp, painful topic. you're keeping his memory alive forever. the same exact words have come out of hikari's mouth - for a moment, he just closes his eyes, digs for the emotions, pulls up the weeds of his own blockage around this topic and tries to force himself to talk.
... ]
Crick was... [ ... ] Naive. [ way to start with a fucking compliment, temenos. ] A member of the Sacred Guard, who came to my aid in several occasions. Through and through, a true knight, but...a lost little lamb in need of guidance, all the same. He was only freshly anointed to the Guard itself, and I often picked on him for being a bit of a coward. In many ways, Vane reminds me quite a bit of him, though... Crick was smarter than he is.
[ he swallows, putting a concentrated effort to keeping his voice very neutral - he has to make this joke because this is so, so hard to talk about. but for axel, he'll try. ]
Someone far too kindhearted for the world that I allowed him to see. Brave, foolhardy, honest, and kindhearted. [ there's a quiet, soft laugh. ] You would like him, I think.
[ it's hard not to like crick. temenos liked him immediately, which is rare. ]
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Besides, hugs are far more effective when one spends quite a time in them.
On the other hand, he has no idea of what other kind of worry he may be giving Temenos, though he judges there's something from the way those fingers tighten in the cloth. Enough to make him give pause.
Either way, Axel does not see fit to force him to speak on the matter. Merely leave the option out there. Keeping these things inside does no one any good, Axel knows this, even if it is human nature, and to Temenos, it may be as natural as breathing air.
That's way...it is a bit startling hearing him talk, but Axel does listen, managing a slight smile despite it all when he calls this Crick naive. There is an attempt at light-heartedness, with the comparison he makes, though he can try that it is an effort nonetheless.
But, Axel thinks that soft, gentle laugh of his? It comes easily than anything else, perhaps. He continues the light rub, soft, unwavering. ]
Hearing all of this, I can't help but I'd only agree. To make it clear that I'd probably get along with the guy. Not just because he 'sounds' like a good person, but he definitely must be.
After all, you can be a bit sparing with praise, which means that what you give holds pretty much a heavy weight, and I know you mean every single word. [ At least, to him. ] Either way, I appreciate you telling me all about him.
Now, I promise I've got those qualities all memorized in my head. And I'm a guy who always keeps his promises.
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still. his read on temenos is right, so. ] ...You'd be correct. [ he does mean it. ] Perhaps I ought to have said more to him, while I could.
[ because he could patronizingly, playfully praise him. very good, crick! or he could tease him, watch him fluster. he could hide his true praise in bullying - you're really learning, but he meant it. and it was only after his death that temenos could finally say what he thought, that crick really was a true knight. a brave, clever, purehearted young man who deserved so much more than what he got.
it was part of what made adlet's little speech on saturday so infuriating, even for him. doesn't it hurt more, when you lose someone you love? yes. yes it does. cubaryi used the exact same thing against him. so did kaldena. so did -
... irrelevant, now. he listens to axel as he continues speaking, and after a moment, turns his face up to actually look at him. ]
Hmm. [ a little quieter, he picks back up on his usual, teasing tone, but it's warmer and softer, lacking any actual zing. ] I'll hold you to that, you know. I have very high expectations.
[ and he trusts axel well enough that he'll allow himself to fall into this, to let i promise feel like a promise, and not like a death sentence. ]
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It'd make things not much better, he imagines. But it can help with closure. Once upon a time, Axel figured he might not have the chance to himself, with some of his friends. He got lucky, unlike Crick.
Still, life is not all so dim, even with the parting of someone so close. Even if Temenos will carry all those things with him.
Loss doesn't need to be a cold and twisted thing (or something to use against others), like Adlet had implied. ]
It might sound a little cheesy but I heard writing a letter of what you wanted to say to someone that passed could help like...wrap some things up.
[ Though, he snorts at the gentle teasing. Fond even with light mirth. ]
And you know me, I like a challenge, so I'll exceed those very high expectations of yours.
[ Even with the jests passing, Axel is serious about that, despite still no guarantee of the future. ]
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[ temenos says, with a very soft noise of assent. the idea of writing a letter to crick sounds like. a lot, actually, it sounds like a lot for him to handle, emotionally and physically, and he's not sure if he really could. it's so much easier just to bury it deep, just to keep moving on. the loss keeps coming. each week here makes it worse.
...
there's a brief moment where his grip tightens. it's nonverbal. don't leave. ]
Aha. I look forward to seeing it, Axel.
[ the name feels a little strange on his tongue, knowing the other, knowing that this is a phrase that's very genuine. he does look forward to it, and for once, he'll agree, he'll match sincerity with sincerity, even if his is layered underneath his words like it has to be hidden.
composure settled enough, he chances a glance upwards, cheek tilting just slightly up against his chest to look at him from under his lashes. ] Don't disappoint me.
[ don't leave. ]
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[ Axel says in a teasing tone because even if he's always been like that, it's true.
...Ah. With the way Temenos' grip happens to tighten, it is like it incurs something within him, and before, those other times...when he held the man. When he slept beside him, he had thoughts, and notions that he has had certain leanings towards him.
Things that have developed into far more certainty when this time comes to pass. Even if sometimes Axel can miss things, he for certain catches the nonverbal communication.
His heart's pounding too, when the other man looks up at him like that. After he said those words, wrought with earnest anticipation.
Axel raises one hand from where it had initially lain against the cleric's back, drawing fingers to rest against Temenos' cheek, a brief, but gentle touch. ]
...I won't disappoint you.
[ Axel says softly. Even if he feels trepidation at saying that. Even moreso than saying he would exceed expectations, or that he promises something. Because even if someone can achieve those things, even if he can do either one with flying colors, there's a part of him afraid he'll do exactly that. That he'll fail at the crucial moment.
But, Axel says it anyway, faces it, even if, at the heart of everything, of it all, he's uncertain. There is no other choice - and because he wants to, right by Temenos' side, closer than ever, with a bond forged closer than he ever imagined. To stay with him, no matter what. ]
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well, he doesn't stop him. by now, axel has more or less earned his way into temenos's very well guarded space, and he's not immune to whatever kind of Moment is currently happening. his cheek warms just a little under the hand, only enough that it can be felt rather than seen, and after a moment, he closes his eyes again and tilts his head just subtly into it.
he's so tired of losing people. his mask isn't as well affixed as he thinks it is, not with this week of memory shares, and temenos has lost so much. first roi, which left a gaping crater behind in his and the pontiff's lives. then the pontiff, stolen away from him by the moonshade order, and then crick. loss after loss after loss, pain after pain, after pain - it's enough even to throw the shepherd off track.
but throne had said once - when you're lost, you are human. you have to rely on others, to remember that you can find your way - and here, he's tentatively allowing that to happen. axel hasn't disappointed him, is the thing. every interaction they've had that's been a little close, a little sweet, has been earned, and from someone like temenos, that's saying a lot.
he just stays like that for a moment, when the hand pulls back. eyes closed, perhaps in his thoughts, as ever. ]
Good.
[ comes his response. ] I often ask much of you, and this is no exception.
[ .... ]
... Thank you.
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Well, right now, Axel sure isn't wearing any gloves; sometimes it's the more subtle things, like the gentle heat that emanates from that very familiar and dear face. Seeing the way the other male even leans into the touch has Axel's eyes soften, committing the moment to memory.
Relief continues flooding in, mixed amongst undeniable feelings of indulgence. That he's able to still be here for him. That even with all things aiming to be nothing but full of hurt borne from the appearance of a painful memory, he can hold Temenos. He can be someone who, by just being here, ensures that he doesn't face any such things alone. ]
Anytime. Being there for you is something I'll always be happy to do, time and time again.
[ And not just because they live in the same dorm, though...that they both know already. ]
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You can't prove that. or Every Thursday, the chance grows larger that you could die. That I could. or even That doesn't even begin to cover when this is all said and done.
there's still a lot of week ahead, but the idea never quite leaves his mind. it tinges the sweetness of whatever moment is happening here, ice cold reality somewhere on the back of his neck, and temenos huffs a little laugh, letting go of him and reaching up to pat him very lightly on the cheek, twice, by now a gesture axel can probably recognize as temenos being 'comforting', in his mischievous, accepting own way. he's squirming out of the moment, because ultimately, he is a little afraid of the temerity of his own emotions, particularly right now, particularly in the face of being vulnerable.
get it together. ]
You'll start to sound like those films you're so fond of, now. Be careful. You may just burst into song. [ pick on him for being a disney princess that's much easier. kingdom hearts jokes ] Now. You brought snacks, didn't you? We ought to eat. Preferably without any more instances of memories.
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Even if that belief might one day shatter into pieces and leave nothing in its wake, Axel will choose to hope. And not just wait.
To brave the murky future together. Though, when the other man raises a hand, lightly patting his own cheek, the gesture is perhaps just another good feature of Temenos being himself. And then he goes ahead, saying something like that...he shakes his head. ]
Hey, if I burst into song, none of you guys would never let me hear the end of it. [ A performative pout, but at the reminder... ] I did. I got these crepes, and they're best when shared with other people.
[ He probably put them in his pockets at some point in this conversation for a bit, but thankfully as previously mentioned they're in napkins so there's no pocket lint in them. He will hold out one to Temenos. ]
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[ gods. he will take the crepe when it's offered - as usual, he seems pleased that it's something sweet. there's also a knowing, teasing look when it's wrapped in a napkin. by god we are learning something. ]
Let's hope this is the last of them. Shall we?
[ which, actually, i have decided it's not the last of the memories
by which i mean axel gets to see one more of temenos's memories play behind his head- it's like he practically summons it - and this one is something much more simple. this time, it's something awfully embarrassing.
you sit at a table with throne and hikari, and throne challenges you to a game... (7:54-9:39, unvoiced!! )
this is immediate penance for bullying axel for being a disney princess actually. he is pinching the bridge of his nose when its over. ]
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Whatever the case, enjoy it while it lasts, Temenos. Should he be alive for the next trial, Axel will be back to his no-napkin ways.
...Yet, the memory being played catches his attention easily.
Enough that Axel's watching it all go down. He even lets out a snort. ]
Well, well, what do we have here?
[ He reaches over to playfully nudge the other man with an arm, because seeing him react like that is heartwarming...cute. ]
Someone's actually a bit of a softie. But then again, I'd always known.
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anyway. he takes the nudge and gives him a little bit of a look, but it's more mulish than it is anything actually serious. embarrassing. ]
I have no idea what you mean. [ okay ] I was merely sweating. [ OKAY ]
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...But does it mean he won't stop from teasing him a little? Nope, just a light, gentle bit of jesting. ]
Sure, sure.
[ Though the smile softens a little. ]
...It's not a bad thing, you know. Being big-hearted.
[ It still sounds like a gentle tease in there somewhere, though. Even if he is being genuine. ]
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I suppose you would know.
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Hey, is that you trying to turn the tables?
[ But he's definitely grinning. ]
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[ yes, it's him trying to turn the tables.
he's also smiling, though, pleased. ]
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